Today I am 39 weeks pregnant. I have a pregnancy journal where I record all pregnancy related stuff and of course, this blog but I have never written a letter to you. So here it is. From a scared mama-to-be to my first-born. As I sit to write this letter to you I imagine you reading it at different stages in your life. Should I write it for you to understand when you are 7 or 17? At this point I can’t believe you’re ever going to be 7 or 17.
Looking back, this pregnancy has been the best time of my life so far. I was talking to your dad the other day and telling him that even though there were hormonal and uncomfortable parts or days when I felt sick or couldn’t sleep I have never felt such peace and surety in the direction of my life. I have never felt more complete and connected to another human being. You are mine, you were made for us, and we were made for you.
I remember at the very beginning of this pregnancy when I first realized how much I loved you. It was like nothing I have ever felt. I thought of you growing inside me and realized right there that I would lay down my life for you to be okay. I would walk through fire, give up all my senses for the rest of my life…anything for you to be happy and healthy and okay. I thought surely that no one had ever loved like this before. I must be the only person who had ever felt this way. Then I realized that I have a mom, and your dad has a mom and well, everyone has a mom. It literally hit me like a ton of bricks that my mom (your grandma) feels this way about me too! I have always known my mother loved me. I have always known that she would do anything for me but does she actually feel this way about me? The answer is YES, she does. All moms do. That is the beauty of this motherhood thing. It is this whole new, all-consuming love that I would have never experienced had it not been for you. A love that transcends anything I could ever want for myself. A love that takes me away from the things that I think matter and points me toward you and our family and my husband and God.
Baby, we are waiting patiently for you. I feel like I know you so well. I am somehow so deeply connected to you and I don’t even know if you are a boy or a girl. I feel like I know you better than I could know anything or anyone but the exciting part is…I don’t yet. There is so much about you to learn. My whole life will be spent getting to know you and all your uniqueness. I couldn’t imagine anything else I would rather do.
The anticipation leading up to meeting you, touching you and bringing you into our family is like nothing I could have ever imagined. Everything I have ever dreamed or accomplished before is now eclipsed by the idea of loving you and of being yours. I can’t promise you we are “ready” or “completely prepared” but we are here, and we will love you, protect you and provide for you. We will learn together along the way and while it won’t always be easy, it will be so so worth it.
I thank God for you very day. He has blessed us with you. He has knit you together. Every detail was thought out and ordained by Him and I have no idea how I am deserving of you but I don’t take being your mother lightly. I pray you are safe in there. I pray that you are healthy and that you have a safe delivery. I pray that you will grow and love God and that with His help I will be a great mom to you.
You are the only one who knows how my heartbeat sounds from the inside. You have changed me and your dad already and we can’t wait to see you, hold you and fall even more in love with each other and you.
Whenever you’re ready little babe…