I am always amazed at the way a baby has changed me. Sometimes it’s easy to focus on the things you lose or have to give up because of your new mommy status. Nights out, free time, showering, your old body, to name a few that I struggle with. But, there are so many qualities that Dex has brought out in me that I know I never would have realized without him.
This past week we visited my family at a cottage near by. Dex has been having a few rough nights but I was dying to spend some time with my dad so we went anyway. He was amazing during the day but had a tough night and after going to bed at 10:30 (!!!!) he woke several times in the night and then was up for the day at 6pm. I could barely move. I wanted to sleep. I was so so mad. My instinct was to be frustrated at him even though I was the one who forced him WAY out of his routine. I thought back to when staying at a cottage meant sleeping in, bonfires and closing your eyes to relax on the beach. Not anymore.
No one else was up so I decided we would go down to the beach alone as to not wake anyone else up. I grabbed an apple juice for me, a coconut water for Dex and headed down the rocky path.
Once there, Dex got so excited. He was smiling so much, digging furiously in sand and squinting his eyes as the sun came up. He sipped his coconut water and kept reaching for my hand to make sure I was still with him. As I watched my precious son inhale deeply as the waves washed over his chubby feet my eyes filled with tears. I could actually feel the anger and frustration lift off of me. This was turning into my favourite morning we have ever spent together and I almost missed it because I wanted to keep sleeping. I felt guilty for thinking that laying in bed would be better than this. I felt guilty that I blamed him at all. Now there is nothing wrong with laying in bed and sleeping in would be heavenly but I wouldn’t trade our morning at the beach for anything.
I hate to admit this but in
some many areas selflessness and sacrifice are not my default settings. In my heart I would do/give up anything for my son but when push comes to shove I sometimes feel more frustrated than I should. Lately I have been working on taking a step back and realizing that all those things I’m trying to hold onto are beyond insignificant compared to moments like this one with my son. I don’t always share these tough moments on social media. It’s not me trying to hide the realness, it’s they are mom lessons that I just need to work out in private. But sometimes, a moment like this really teaches me something and I want to share in hopes that someone else might relate.
It’s funny. You think you are just raising your child, you think that he was born and that you need to teach him but I am finding that he is teaching me, and that I was born on that day back in August too. I was born a mother. Do I like my body as much as I used to? Nah. Do I have free time and get to sleep in? Never…ever. But I love who I have become since having Dex. I love the traits he is helping me develop. I am so much happier with who I am on the inside.
My son, thank you for forcing my out of my comfort zone. When I am tired, your excitement for life is like 10 cups of coffee to my soul. When I am frustrated, you laugh, grab my hand and my anger melts away. When I want to be lazy and idle, your adventurous spirit reminds me that I can rest later, it might be in 3 more years, but it’s coming. In the meantime, lets have more 6am beach dates in our jammies. Love you.
Thanks for reading!